What constitutes a D-Bag?

Okay, before you read on, know that this has nothing to do with politics. It has to do with douchebags. Plain and simple. I hate douchebags. However, I think the term is thrown out there a little too often. So I will walk you through the steps of becoming a douchebag.

Be full of yourself

Douchebags are always full of themselves. There are some thing I will list that are optional, but this is a requirement. They are so full of their own shit that it happens to pour out their mouth every time they open it. They walk around with their noses so high in the air that you can see right up their noses and into the empty place where the brain is supposed to reside. When they see someone that is popular enough to acknowledge, they thrust their head up in the air to nod….except the nod is going up instead of down. Without them even opening their mouths, you can hear them saying”sup”. They won’t wave, because that is waaay uncool, and they won’t do a normal modest nod either.

Talk like a pirate

A lot of douches talk the same. They tend to stop words before finishing them. For example: “Dude, this shit is so Deeeelish.” That is an attempt to say that something is “delicious”. Instead, it comes out in a way that only retards and other douchebags can understand. I can’t say any keywords that douchebags use because they only use words that are “hip” at the time. Since this is the case, picking one word or phrase is impossible. The current phrase is this: “I know right??” Judging by the way the pitch of the voice goes up at the end of this phrase, I’ll assume it’s some sort of question. What it’s asking, I have no idea. Lastly, douchebags swear…a lot. Swearing is fine every once in awhile, but they use it in place of every adjective, noun, pronoun, adverb, and interjection. They do this because of lack of vocabulary. The result is that every “sentence” spilled out their mouth comes out as an R-rated fragment of a sentence. They obviously think they are pirates.

Like every shit genre out there

Douchebags have no preference in music. Usually, if you ask a douchebag what his favorite bands are, he’ll attempt to tell you that he likes Ying Yang Twins, Rascal Flatts, Nirvana(only smells like teen spirit), and Trapt. They typically have music for each occasion. When cruising around in their pimped out Dodge Neons, they listen to some Lil Wayne. When with a lady, they’ll put in a little Keith Urban. When at the prom, they’ll mosh to “smells like teen spirit”. When they prepare for the big football game, They get angry with some Three Days Grace.

Get a generic “tat”

I have tattoos. However, mine serve a purpose rather than looks, and have a lot of meaning behind them. I’ll explain to you the typical douchebag tat. Usually they get one of three things. First, they might get a barb wire band around their bicep without it touching in the back, because it hurts too bad. Second, they might like the feeling of having something meaningful, so they will either get a Bible verse that they don’t understand or a cross. Third, it will be some “macho” phrase that shows how manly they are and how they are always up for kicking someone’s ass. Even though it’s really just a cover up for their insecurity, it’s usually best to just let them have their fun.

Know nothing about anything important.

Douches can usually rattle off the scores and stats of all 16 games from the night before. Ask them who’s running for president, and they will most likely have no idea. See, the douchebag is an interesting species. They are very apt at knowing everything that happened on the last episode of Laguna Beach or what the flavor of the day is at Culver’s, but if you ask them why they are okay with paying taxes or why they have the morals they do, they will not have a clue.


You aren’t a douchebag unless you party. Douchebags live for drinking. Little do they know that getting drunk after it’s legal just makes you the trash of society. But still, they make sure that every conversation they have with fellow douche involves beer. It becomes the most important thing in their friendship. Even though many douches will go into fields such as criminal justice, they still have no problem with getting 6 underage drinking tickets in high school. It’s the way that douches bond. They build their friendships by not even being conscience during the building of the bond. Usually they know they have bonded when they wake up in bed with each other with their asses hurting wondering what happened that night. Partying is really the way to rebel and build that special connection with your true friends.

Just be an asshole

Douchebags are just mean. Not in the way that makes you feel bad, but in the way that makes them feel good by thinking they made you feel bad. It makes them cum in their underpants when they makes some stupid comment about you being a nerd for acing an exam. Their motivation is nothing more than self-satisfaction and the high-five/slap on the ass they get from their fellow douche. Lots of times, they target those who are easy to make fun of. Lots of times, it’s homosexuals. It’s not that they have a disagreement with homosexuality, it’s just that they are easy to pick on and they usually just get called fags, or some other apprently “descriptive” name. Anyone that is not a douche may be the target. Lucky for them, they usually just do it behind other people’s back so they make sure not to get a much better comeback.

Be open about your insecurities

Douchebags must spend at least half of their weekly $200 allowance on clothes. In order to fit in the the D-unit douchebag club, you must wear tight-fitting clothing with the name of some random city or bird. That’s right…they usually wear either Hollister or American Eagle clothing. These brands are about 4 times the cost of clothes that look equally shitty. However, they have the little emblem that says:”look, I’m cool, I’m hip, I can fit in with all you kewl guys!” Dick. If you walk around wearing band t-shirts and have a severe lack of flip flops, don’t expect to be invited to many parties. Basically, try and dress as much like a the gay guys from “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” as possible, and you’re golden. I’m convinced that all douchebags are gay and that’s the reason why the pick on gay people all the time. It’s called insecurity.


Don’t be a douchebag. This world is infested with them and it’s easy to get drawn into their group because they may make you feel accepted. Don’t do it. Avoid douchebaggery at all costs and avoid everything on this list.



2 Responses to “What constitutes a D-Bag?”

  1. I’m also trying to educate the general public about this cultural phenomenon, the Douchebag, which has infected our society with such stupidity and lack of depth. You hit the nail right on the head with your entry. Feel free to also check out http://www.doucheworld.com, I just wrote a Douche of the Month on Natalie Portman’s Boyfriend, Devendra Banhart, this guy is some pseudo douche, makes me want to puke!

  2. DoucheDestroyer Says:

    I’d just like to throw this out there,there’s a new show on MTV that my friend showed me the other night called ‘Is She Really Going Out With Him’ and it’s all about making fun of D-bags. just go to Google and type in ‘Is She Really Going Out With Him’

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